eleven

I just don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore, Trixie Jean sighed as she looked at herself in the cracked bathroom mirror. More and more Trixie Jean had been feeling this way. She didn't even know who she was anymore, what kind of life was she making? Sile N'Brohin was dead, stabbed they say. The detective. he was dead too. Not that Trixie Jean ever had much care for him.  Now Trixie Jean didn't know Sile that well but still, a death like that, before his time, it shakes you. Trixie Jean didn't deal with death so well, ever since the accident she didn't want to see no kind of death ever again. And workin at Isabelle's, it just didn't feel right to Trixie Jean anymore, she didn't even know what she had become. Trixie Jean knew what she had to do. She had to get out. Like she was in a trance or somethin' Trixie Jean pulled out her old suitcase and began packing. The babies looked at her real confused but she just kept going. The apartment was hot and Trixie Jean was soaked with sweat but by the time she was flooded with relief, a pile of things, her life in a corner. Trixie Jean and her babies didn't have much. Trixie Jean had about two grand from tips and she sure as hell didn't know where she was going to go. She just knew she had to get out of the city, everywhere she looked she couldn't see the joy anymore. Trixie Jean got out a pen and paper and began to write. Ain't no way she was leavin town without a letter to those sweet women at the orphanage who raised her. Two hours passed. Trixie Jean was waiting at the Greyhound station, babies on her hips, luggage at her feet. She was running away, she was going to start a new life somewhere, anywhere but here. The bus arrived, Trixie Jean climbed on with all her luggage bumping into just about everything around her. Finally she was sea.ted. She got out her dinky old self phone and dialed Janie's number, she picked up on the first ring.
"Where the fuck are you?!" Janie screeched, "I haven't seen your ass in days!"
"I love you, but I'm leaving" Trixie Jean whispered, sad and full of memories of Janie
Janie's voice softened "Okay, but to where?"
"I don't know, anywhere but here"
Janie sighed, "You'll call me everyday?"
"Of course"
"I can't wait til we're sixty, our old asses sitting on a porch, drinking ice tea"
"Me neither" Trixie Jean welled with tears
"Good luck baby"
Trixie Jean put her phone away and stared out the window as the bus began to pull away. Baby Boy had just woken up and was cooin at her like he always did. Trixie Jean brought him close to her face, "We're starting a new life baby, away from this town, these people, just me and my babies" Baby Boy just smiled as the town quickly disappeared behind them

ten.

It was a hot Tuesday and Trixie Jean wasn't workin til late, so she decided to take the babies to the park. It was the third time that Trixie Jean had the late shift, she didn't mind so much but it was a little tiring. At the park there were children everywhere. Trixie Jean held Sweet Pea while Baby Boy lied in his stroller. Some little boy was sitting on the playground with his Legos, seven of them. He looked strange, like he was something different. Trixie Jean couldn't take her eyes off him. What was he thinking about?  Trixie Jean realized he was autistic. A dog got loose and ran over near him and scooped up a Lego, and God be damned if she ain't never heard a little boy scream so loud. She watched as his mother tried to soothe him. Trixie Jean's own babies were getting fussy from all the commotion. The mom scooped up her kid and held him tight. How hard it would be to have a little one like that. How difficult to not understand what your kid is thinking, how he sees things. The mom walked by and whispered to Trixie Jean, "I'm so sorry, he has a thing about sevens". Trixie Jean nodded with the understanding of motherhood, and looked down at her own babies thanking God they were healthy. Trixie Jean put the babies in her stroller and left the park. She kept thinking about that little boy and his sevens. Why seven? More importantly, why is this bothering me so much? Trixie Jean giggled to herself, My god I need some sleep.

nine.

Trixie Jean was late, as per usual. Real late. Strippin had made her even more scrambled in the brain than she was before. Couldn't even get out the house without forgetting something. Shoot, almost clean well forgot her babies the day before. She had just dropped the babies off at the orphanage and was tryin to make it to her lunch shift at Isabelle's. That had always given Trixie Jean the irks, she hated the lunch shift at Isabelle's. Ain't no kind of god fearing man at a strip club at 1:00 in the afternoon. Trixie Jean was rushin real quick when she ran smack dab into a girl, Lucy Collins. Lucy was a pretty girl, but she had that look in her eye, that look that said she had been to hell and back. Trixie Jean clean knocked the girl down. All her papers flew right out of her hands. Looked like she was writin a damn novel.
"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" Trixie Jean apologized
"It's okay..." Lucy muttered looking down.
God that girl was a little off, but then again who wasn't a bit off. This town, all these damn people. Everyone just needed a little happy to cheer them up.
Trixie Jean was day dreaming. That was just how she got through shakin' her you-know-whats for every pervert in town. Today it was of a vacation. Who didn't want just a nice little vacation? Hmmm Trixie Jean would love to see Fiji. You know, that place on the side of the fancy waters at the grocery store. Fiji with her babies, hmmm wouldn't that be the life. They could go swimming, see all the beautiful scenery around, and just be hap-
"Hey bitch, shake those tits this way"
Trixie Jean sighed, I guess I'll never be the vacationing type.

eight.

Flying, she drifted through town. A misty haze covered the ground but she skimmed over it. Gliding. Trixie Jean had an overwhelming feeling of peace. She felt sedate. Like syrup was moving through her veins. She waved to the passersby. Most of the faces unrecognizable. She saw Mr. Christophe from the orphanage , he was beaming. His eyes glowing with kindness. He was floating too. Trixie Jean reached for Mr. Christophe’s hands. They began to dance, soaring above fields now the scenery was unrecognizable to Trixie Jean. Trixie Jean had never felt so calm. Suddenly she heard a loud bangs. Gunshots. They weren’t stopping. The feeling of serenity disappeared. She tried to gasp but she couldn’t, tried to scream but all she heard were her babies cries. The gun shots wouldn’t stop. Mr. Christophe’s hands became icy in hers and he dissolved away. Trixie Jean began to spin. Everything was dark around her. She kept spinning, soaring higher and higher. She heard a distant sound, a ringing. Trixie Jean’s eyes popped open. The alarm clock. Another Monday.

Seven.

Ever since the mugging Trixie Jean had been havin the same dreams again and again. And they weren’t the kind of dreams no body wanted to have. She had blocked it out. Tried her dammest not to remember all that had happened. But the sight of that gun, bang of the gun shot, it was all too familiar.

Back when Trixie Jean was about 18 she had herself a boyfriend, Dean. Dean was one of those boys. A real rebel without of cause, that kinda boy. He was part of a gang, the South-side boys. Trixie Jean loved those boys, she loved Dean. Her and Janie would hang around with the boys in abandoned houses, tagging walls and getting drunker than cowboys.They would occasionally cop some heroin and be out for weekends at a time. That’s when Trixie Jean made her mistake. She started fuckin around with Dean’s twin brother, Thompson. They kept it real secret for months. Only person who knew was Janie. That was until one day it slipped. One of the boys saw Trixie Jean and Thompson behind the old warehouse and reported back to Dean what he saw. Dean was furious. He called Trixie Jean and Thompson to meet up behind the same warehouse they were previously caught behind. Thompson showed up first, he was confused and nervous but fronted like he was relaxed. Then Trixie Jean showed up, Dean ran at her fist in the air and popped her right in the mouth. Thompson jumped to defend her, but that’s when Dean pulled out his gun and shot his own damn brother right in the gut. Thompson dropped to the floor and Trixie Jean rushed to his aid screaming as he lay there in a pool of his own blood. Dean looked deranged. He had them wild eyes like a shark that smelled blood. “How could you do this?!?” Trixie Jean creied, “He’s your own fucking brother!” Dean looked at her with a sick grin on his face, “I hope you’re happy, slut” and he brought the gun to his own head, pulling the trigger before Trixie Jean could even speak. Trixie Jean sat there in the middle of death, she didn’t give a fuck. Why not just die along with them? That’s when Janie showed up, she carried Trixie Jean away before the cops came. Two weeks later Trixie Jean found out she was pregnant, twins. Just like Dean and Thompson. Trixie Jean never did find out who the father was. She liked to think they were a mixture of the best qualities of their daddys.

Trixie Jean snapped back into reality. Memories like that couldn’t help her now. She didn’t never talk to nobody about what had happened, even Janie. Occasionally she woke up in the night covered in sweat, the look of death she saw in the brothers eyes imprinted into her mind. It had been happening more lately. Trixie Jean vowed after that terrible night to never go back to who she had been. But look at me now, stripping for cash? I’m turning into the old me. Trixie Jean had to push the bad thoughts out of her mind. Just keep focusing on her babies and the future. But what exactly did the future hold for a single mother who is the reason her babies won’t never have a daddy?

Six.

I swear to God those kids will be the damn death of me. So they're gettin older, the terrible twos they call em. But if....shit
"Get down from there!!" Trixie Jean hollered at Sweet Pea and Baby Boy. They had climbed all up into the tipy top of the big old magnolia in Sherwood Park. The babies just giggled and waved at Trixie Jean as she flailed her arms at them. Trixie Jean had been feelin bad about always working so she decided to take them to the park as a nice break on her day off.
"Hey y'all, I got treats if you come down!" Trixie Jean tried to coax them down with a bag of Fruit Loops.
"Nope!" Baby Boy smiled, nodding at his sister for her approval. Sweet Pea ran the show, everyone else was just minor characters. They both were in a fit of laughter.
"God dammit" Trixie Jean muttered under her breath. She kicked off her sandals and put the Fruit Loops back in the stroller, looked like she was gonna have to go up there and get em.
Trixie Jean didn't have no problem with climbing trees. Back when she was a little kid she'd been a regular monkey, climbing until the branches were so weak they couldn't hold her.
Trixie Jean started up the tree, the babies were stunned, mouths open at the site of their mama climbing like it was easier than breathing. She got up to the top of the tree quicker than you could count to ten. Trixie Jean took a deep breath, as she was sighing she caught a glimpse of silver. A man, dressed in all black holding what Trixie saw to be a .32 in the air. (Trixie Jean always used to read Garden and Gun magazine when she was little cause they didn't have nothing else for literature).
"GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY" She heard the man shout. Trixie Jean scrambled to cover her babies ears, seeing the look of terror on their mama's face they both shut right up. The gun went off and Trixie Jean saw the man yelp. Goddamn criminal ass fool, shot himself in the foot.
"Lets get" she hissed at her children. They both scrambled to get down. Trixie Jean scooped them into the stroller and pushed on towards home. Trixie Jean didn't care for that life of guns and bull shit. Not now, not ever again. Not after all that she'd been through.

Five. December 22nd

I'm done, I've had it, I'm finished with making less than nothing for my babies. I'm done with those god-awful human beings, I'm done with that scum of the Earth, Shaniqua. Trixie Jean thought as she left Casa D's for the last time. Shaniqua had done it for the last time and she was sick of it, she spilled an entire plate of food on Trixie Jean

"Whoops!" She gasped in a fake tone
Trixie Jean glared dead into Shaniqua's eyes, "Bless your heart". She said through clenched teeth. Ain't nothing worse than blessin somebodies heart.

That was Trixie Jeans last day at Casa D's and her first night working at Isabelle's.

Later than night Trixie Jean stared blankly at herself as she spread on lipstick and rouge. She looked down at her body. Her boobs: covered in glitter and sparkles, her ass: covered in tassels like some kind of costume. It wasn't a costume, it was her new uniform. She looked like some sort of trailer trash, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

"You alright baby? I know the first night can be hard" A lady called Lollipop whispered in Trixie Jeans ear. 

"Uh....I think I'm alright -Wait....I can't do this" Trixie Jean turned to make a dash for it but Lollipop stopped her.

"Here baby, this should help" Lollipop slipped a few pink pills with smiley faces on them into Trixie Jeans hand. Trixie Jean took them without hesitation. I reckon this is my life now, poppin pills and shaking my tits like I ain't never been to church.

Trixie Jeans eyes widened. The beats of the music all of a sudden became louder, she walked out onto the stage with only a pole in the middle of it.

The faces blurred together. The beats pulsated through every inch of Trixie Jeans body. Trixie Jean felt like her eyes were coming out of her head. She was hot, so hot. She felt like her skin was melting off of her. The faces in the audience became snakes, wielding apples at her like she was Eve. She took all the apples, she had to grab them. Suddenly the ground was disappearing, she felt like she was in quick sand and she couldn't get out. Her throat felt tight. She couldn't breathe, the air felt like honey. Thick and suffocating. She looked up and saw the lights: red, purple, pink, blue, all blending together. And then...darkness.

Trixie Jean woke up, she saw the machines hooked up to her.

"What the fuck...." She muttered.

"Ohhhh! Looks like psychos up!" She heard Janie's voice.

"Where are the babies, what happened" Trixie Jean whispered gaining more strength.

"Babies are fine, over at the orphanage with the nuns. Trixie Jean I should be asking you the same thing!  Last night, at Isabelle's! You were fine then all of a sudden you were dripping wet with sweat and grabbing at those dollar bills like you ain't ever seen a penny. Then you took off your hooker bra and tried to strangle yourself with the straps!" Trixie Jean reached for her throat, it burned. "Then we dragged you off the stage and cut the straps, and you just started vomitin all over the place, swear to God turned white as snow, thats when we took you to the hospital. You almost died Trixie Jean, what the fuck were you thinkin? Tryin pills like that without me" Janie let out a laugh.

"I don't remember that at all, all I remember is that lady giving me those pills-" 

"OH, You mean that ecstasy!"

"I guess..." Trixie Jean blushed in embarrassment "So I guess I'm fired?"

"HAH! You wish baby, no the crowd loved it. All that strangling kinky shit, they eat it up like a moth to a flame. You made almost $250 before you passed out! We gotta keep up with all this shit, get you some more of them pills, get you some whips or somethin...."

Trixie Jean sighed, What the fuck have I gotten myself into?